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FANTASY GODS
Overview No one has ever seen the Fantasy Gods in the flesh, but many have sensed their presence or felt their wrath. They are merciless and will only forgive once sacrifices, punishments, or reparations have been made. Throughout League of Champions history, the Fantasy Gods have determined outcomes of games both regular and post-season, and even chosen the manner in which teams have lost. As eager as they are to punish, they are sometimes willing to reward. Mysterious Origins Much of the Fantasy God origins are steeped in legend. Stories have been passed down through the generations to the point where truth and fiction is blurred and no one will ever know for sure from whence the Gods came. However, the most knowledgeable researchers will tell you that the Fantasy Gods are older than time itself. What follows is the most widely accepted legend regarding the origins of the Gods: Before Time Prior to the Big Bang (which will be covered momentarily), time stood still. Within this nothingness were periods of immense boredom and stillness. This was also when baseball was most popular. The infinite darkness consumed the pre-universe and a strong union began to form. There were between 8 and 12. The number has been debated by scholars for decades. The Eight-God camp believes that due to the immense powers of the Fantasy Gods the competition in an Eight-God league was more than enough, while the Twelve-God camp argues that Eight-God leagues are for pussies. These nameless creatures of the dark found each other in the void and began formulating a plan to entertain themselves while continuing to expend as little energy as possible. In order to create the most masterful plan in pre-history, they combined all of their minds to create LEAGUE (L'ife '''E'nergy 'A'mplification via 'G'rand U'nification of '''E'gos). The LEAGUE ruminated for 224 Earth days, or one Earth NFL Off-Season. At that point, they determined that this LEAGUE would hold the very first Fantasy Football draft. The draft itself was held a little over 4.5 billion years ago. To ensure that each God didn't take too long making their pick, they created what we now call "time" in order to put a "time limit" on each pick. Most draft picks were spent on various deities, with Zeus selected first overall, followed by Egyptian God Anubis, Shiva, Odin, Tom Brady, and Apu God of Mountains. Alom the Sky God was the sleeper QB pick of the draft while RB Tlaltecuhtli, God of Earth, was later considered a bust. The Big Bang Competition in the initial year was strong, with most players beating their projections by several thousand points. A late season matchup saw two of the top teams facing off for a first round bye. It came down to the Monday night game. Charles Woodson, then in his rookie season, picked off a garbage time pass from Celestial Emperor Shangdi and made the difference in the Fantasy game. Upon confirmation from the booth that the turnover was upheld, the losing Fantasy God slammed his laptop so hard it set off the Big Bang and brought the Universe into existence. The Big Sleep The Fantasy Gods played millions of years of Fantasy Football, with the rules and regulations being altered to perfection over the course of several eons. Code of ethics, morals, and gamesmanship were established. After a few billion years of nacho and beer consumption, the Fantasy Gods agreed that they all needed to take a nap. Thus began a period of sleep that would last for ages. The Awakening - 1963 Despite the legends, the exact origins of the Fantasy God's are unknown. However, one thing we do know is that they were reawakened by Fantasy Football Hall-of-Famer Bill the Gill Winkenbach during the inaugural Fantasy Football draft in 1963. Deep in the heart of Oakland, California, where football sorcery is strongest, eight men gathered in the rumpus room of Winkenbach's home to perform the awakening ritual. Led by Wilfred, the first human fantasy football draft stirred the antediluvian beings from their primordial slumber. Years later, perhaps under the spell of the primeval Gods themselves, 1963 draft participant/prophet Andy Mousalimas brought the rules of the inaugural Fantasy League to his local bar. There, Mousalimas spread the word of the Fantasy Gods and was revered as a modern day Jesus. As Fantasy Football seeped into American culture, so to did the celestial deities. The Will of the Gods As Fantasy Team owners it is our duty to fulfill, to the best of our abilities, the will of the Fantasy Gods. In doing so, we uphold the basic code of honor set forth in the initial league 4.5 billion years ago. By violating the code, we anger the Gods and thus suffer the reprocussions. What follows is an accurate list, albeit incomplete and growing, of the Fantasy Gods' Will: *Thou shall set thy lineup. *Thou shalt not let players out for the season remain on thy roster. *Thou shall beware of excessive trashtalk. *Thou shalt not talk ill of Fantasy Football. *Thou shalt not use the phrase "just a game." *Thou shalt not form secret alliances to better another team's chances at the sacrifice of one's own. *Thou shall trade fair and honestly. *Thou shalt not blame losses on the scoring system. *Thou shall admit wrongdoing if punished by the Fantasy Gods. *Thou shalt not tank their season for a better draft pick. Wrath of the Fantasy Gods The League of Champions is just one of what scientists believe to be an infinite number of Fantasy Football leagues throughout the Universe. However, no league is out of the influence of the Fantasy Gods. They see all. Many acts by the Fantasy Gods are made apparent to all so others may learn from the mistakes of punished managers. That being said, surely there are strings being pulled at all times by the God's that we may not see for many weeks, years, or ever. Listed here are just a few instances where the Fantasy God's intervened: 2011 #TradeGate - the controversial trade between bob's bananas and GregCincoDos designed to strengthen bob's bananas after a season-ending injury to Jamaal Charles. The trade was vetoed by the commissioner and both teams were warned, but neither team would admit guilt. Thus, the Fantasy God's struck bob's bananas with a four game losing streak that knocked them out of playoff contention. #View From the Top - B-2 Hallway Gangstas blasted out a brag to the league after beating Morning Woodhead in a close mid-season game. The Fantasy Gods were not appreciative of the cockiness and sent B2 on a three-game losing streak followed by a beatdown in the playoffs by none other than Morning Woodhead. #RestGate - During the bye week, #FreeOJ (then Bust a Cap) benched their entire roster and released a braggadocious statement to the league that they were resting their starters for their championship run. Continuing, he said that even though no one stands a chance they should still show up so they can get beat. The Fantasy Gods saw this as excessive boasting and punished #FreeOJ by having them get demolished in their first playoff game. 2012 #TankGate - #FreeOJ's alleged tanking and subsequent battle with the league front office was the nail in the coffin for this franchise, whose excessive boasting had not ceased since the playoff loss in 2011. The team is now cursed for the forseeable future. Power Rankings Despite popular belief, the Power Rankings created every week are not conceived by the Commissioner. The order is determined by the Fantasy Gods and passed down to the Commish via Divine Telepathy at the conclusion of every football week. The Commish does have a say in how the message is delivered but must do so while honoring the will of the Fantasy Gods.